Hangry – The Stealer of Peace

Tonight, I would like to talk about a condition near and dear to my heart.  A condition several of my friends suffer from.  A condition I suffer from.  That condition is – Hangry.  For those of you who don’t know about Hangry, just wait.  I’ll explain.

What is Hangry?  Hangry is the overwhelming irritability and rage one feels during a time of famine.  And by time of famine, I mean the few hours between meals.  As a nurse, I assure you irritability is a side effect of hypoglycemia, so my condition has scientific merit.  It is not a made up excuse for me to act like a raging hosebeast when I’m hungry.

Hangry has several levels.  If you don’t know the symptoms, it is easy to miss the early warning signs.  It is imperative, I repeat, imperative to recognize the condition early to prevent a DEFCON 1 situation.  As a matter of fact, I shall use the DEFCON system to explain the five stages.

DEFCON 5 – The lowest state of readiness.

Here you will find the subject engaging in normal activities in a normal fashion.  There will be laughter and probably no mention of food.  You are safe.  This is a happy place.

DEFCON 4 – Increased intelligence watch and increased security measures.

Nothing scary or terrible going on here.  Maybe an innocent comment like, “Hmm.  I’m getting a little hungry.”  Or, in my case, “I ran this morning and didn’t eat much.  How much longer until lunch?”  At this point, even the subject may not realize what is happening.  Tread lightly, but no need to head for the bomb shelter just yet.

DEFCON 3 – Increase in force readiness above that required for normal readiness.

Now is the time to start worrying.  Did the subject snap at you for no reason?  Maybe seems a little grumpier than usual?  Perhaps they have suddenly begun cursing like a sailor because someone had the nerve to greet them in a casual and courteous manner?  Now is not the time to panic, people!  Remain calm.  Politely, and in a non-accusatory manner, offer a snack.  Nothing dumb like a salad or a cracker.  Offer something delicious.  Remember, you have the power to prevent nuclear fallout at this point.  Don’t blow it.

DEFCON 2 – Next step to nuclear war.

Things are getting scary now.  This is the point when the subject is losing control.  Trust me, inside the head of a hangry person is not a fun place.  The subject will answer all questions in an unreasonably aggressive and angry tone, but they are trying really hard to be nice.  They know what is happening and are trying to maintain the pretense of civility.  Below is an actual exchange during a stage four incident. *Names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty.

Husband:  Where do you want to eat?

Wife: (Inside her head):  Are you f*ing kidding me?  Now?  Now you care about feeding me?  Ok, get it together.  It’s an innocent question.  Here’s what we’re going to say, ‘I don’t care, honey.  But, I do need to eat soon.’  Ok, ready?  Let’s say it nicely.

(What comes out of my, I mean her, mouth):  I don’t f*ing care!  I need to eat right now.  Why is everyone so god damn stupid today?  Son of a bitch!

At this point, crisis may still be averted.  Feed the subject immediately.  Absolutely, under no circumstances, should you take away the promise of food.  The subject is maintaining control by a thin, dry rotted thread.  If you have told the subject they will be fed at four o’clock, feed them at four o’clock.  Not four-o-one.  I don’t care if you have to swing through a drive through on your way to dinner.  Do it!

DEFCON 1 – Nuclear war is imminent

There’s no turning back now.  Lay down your weapon and surrender peacefully.  Do not try to reason with the subject.  Do not try to negotiate a peace treaty.  Do not get angry.  Anything from this point on is beyond their control.  They didn’t mean to call you those nasty names or to insinuate your mother is anything other than the lovely person we know she is.  Your only hope at this point is to hide.

Recovery Phase – (Not part of the DEFCON system.  I made this part up.)

The subject has been fed and is now their normal, happy self.  Your main responsibility is to pretend nothing happened.  Don’t hold a grudge.  Graciously accept any apology you are given and learn from your mistakes.  Begin preparing for next time by stockpiling snacks like you’re on an episode of Doomsday Preppers.

Now that you are well versed on the condition of Hangry, you can help spread the word of this most unfortunate affliction.  Learn the warning signs and tell your friends before it’s too late.  Remember, Hangry hurts everyone.  There are no winners here.