Adventures In Online Dating
Divorce sucks. I don’t care what the circumstances are, it sucks. Whether you initiate the process or are an unwilling participant, it sucks. Big time. I’m not going to go into the specifics that caused me to be thrust into the realm of dating again, but here I am.
I find myself on a rollercoaster of emotion. One minute, I’m enthusiastic and positive about my future. The next minute, I’m crying – convinced I’ll never meet anyone and will probably die old and alone, surrounded by fifty hungry cats who may or may not eat my face off when I’m dead. A ridiculous thought because I don’t even like cats. Sorry cat lovers, I prefer dogs.
During one of these ‘I’m going to be cat food’ episodes, I had the bright idea to check out the men touting their wares on a dating app. A mistake of epic proportions. First of all, I’m not even in the galaxy of Ready To Date, never mind ready to set up shop on Planet Available. I guess I was just trying to prove to myself that the world is full of eligible bachelors just biding their time until I’m ready.
My plan backfired in a major way. My browser was quickly filled with douchy gym selfies and witty taglines like “I gave up on love. Can you change my mind?” Seriously? You thought the best way to introduce yourself to the online dating world was to announce you are emotionally unavailable? I guess that’s a great approach if your ideal mate is a shallow, codependent woman with Daddy issues. My fault for trying a free site. You get what you pay for, after all.
Not to be deterred, I enrolled on a paid site. What could it hurt? It’s only a few bucks for the first month and I’m sure the people on here are going to be a bit more serious, right? Also, the website gods are going to sift through the thousands of men on there to find my ideal mate, right? Right? Hahaha! Nope. I set very specific parameters which should have produced an inbox filled with the cast of Vikings. Not even close. What I found in my messages more closely resembled an episode of Jersey Shore meets America’s Most Wanted. Half the guys had at least one picture of himself flexing in a random bathroom and the other half seemed to be experts at sending creepy messages. One guy invited me to go hiking. Hiking. On a first date with a complete stranger. In January. Yeah, ok. I’ve always wanted my very own episode of Forensic Files.
The final straw sending me into a profile deleting panic, though, was being matched up with my first husband. Yes, I said first husband. Shut up, you judgy bitches. I don’t need your hate right now. Not only is this idea a hell f-ing no, he didn’t fit any of the parameters I set. Listen, I’m not saying he’s a bad guy. We actually get along pretty well now. Another plus is that I already love his kids. However, that’s not a road either of us wants to travel again.
Alright, I’ll admit I’m not being completely fair here. Not everyone who contacted me was a ten on the creep meter. Some of them seemed perfectly normal, just not what I was looking for. One guy is pretty cool. We’ve talked a bunch and developed a nice friendship. Unfortunately, location and the fact that we are on different ends as of the divorce recovery spectrum likely mean this isn’t going to be a love match.
I guess all things considered, my first foray into online dating could have gone much worse. I mean, I didn’t end up in a hole, trying to avoid the hose by reluctantly placing the lotion in the basket. So yeah, could’ve been worse.
