Hitchhikers Who Don’t Try

Pet Peeves – We all have them. For most of us, the everyday irritants of life are similar. We all hate the slow guy driving in the passing lane. We all want to kick the guy who chews loudly, smacking his lips together with each grind of his molars. Or the guy who macerates his food with his mouth wide open as if the rest of us want to see the sickening result of him tormenting a pop tart, crumbs flying everywhere. And no one likes the messy sneezer. You know, the person who never covers their sneeze but tells you not to worry because it’s just allergies. Allergies or not, I don’t need your spit and boogers assaulting my air space at a hundred miles per hour, Janet.

But what about the unreasonable pet peeves? What about the innocuous idiosyncrasies of our friends and neighbors that drive us nuts for no specific reason? When do these modern-day annoyances get the attention they deserve? I say right here, right now.

My friend Chris hates – HATES – when people tuck in their shirt and do not wear a belt. He maintains the position if you tuck in your shirt, there is no good reason not to finish the job by putting on a belt. For clarity – and this is a direct quote, “A belt must be made out of leather and have a buckle. Anything else is wrong.” If your waist wear is constructed out of nylon or is – gasp – stretchy, it is an abomination and doesn’t count as wearing a belt. His opinion on proper midsection goes one step further, demanding shirts only be tucked into proper, tuck-intended pants. Elastic waist? No zipper or belt loops? Untuck that gosh darn shirt, you heathen! But wait, there’s more…If you manage to conquer level one of dressing yourself to Chris’s liking by tucking your shirt into appropriate pants AND putting on a satisfactory belt, for the love of God you’d better match your shoes and belt.

Anytime I must rely on an automated system or piece of equipment, I am instantly annoyed when it doesn’t read my mind and perform in the exact way I want it to perform. I hate when I call a business – looking at you, cable company – and I’m forced to wade through five layers of automated bullshit before I can speak to a live person. Never in all my years of being a grown-up have I called the cable company and NOT needed to speak to a live, breathing person. First of all, if I am taking the time out of my busy day to call, it isn’t because I want to tell you what a stellar job you are doing. There’s a good chance I’m already pissy and having to argue with inept artificial intelligence isn’t going to make me any sweeter to the poor schlub I’ll eventually speak to. My seething rage doesn’t end with automated phone systems, though. Oh no, there is a much more sinister monster lurking in the world of AI – the touchless faucet. Walmart bathroom sinks are the worst. I never seem to get my hands in just the right spot to start the water flow. I end up spastically moving my hands back and forth in a vain attempt to trick the sink into giving me water to wash my hands. God forbid the soap dispenser is also touchless. I could be there for hours.

Shock of all shocks – Chris has graciously (and accidentally) given me more fodder for my blog about pet peeves.  My dear, opinionated friend is also mightily displeased by poor grammar in written work. As Chris is wont to do, he has narrowed his focus to the most heinous of all grammatically disastrous offenses – the use of contractions in a professional/research paper. Again, to quote him directly – “Type out both words, you fucking barbarian.” While I can’t say I find hybrid words especially alarming, I must say I agree with him about reading poorly executed grammar. If your speaking, there is know way to no if you are using the correct words. You could be a terible speller to. I’d never no the difference. See what I did they’re? If you didn’t notice anything wrong with the preceding sentences, skip ahead to the next paragraph or prepare to be insulted. My brain hurts when I’m subjected to these bloody eviscerations of the English language. If you need an example of poor grammar, scroll through any social media feed. As we navigate these post-election, mid pandemic times, there are limitless rants about why one side is right and the other wrong. Most of these posts are missing basic sentence structure and grammar, which, in my mind, instantly invalidates the intended argument.

Finally,  we come to my biggest pet peeve and hence the title of this rant. I personally can’t stand hitchhikers who don’t try. I don’t mean try at life in general. I’m not being judgy about what life decisions they made ultimately bringing them to the side of the road, begging for a ride from complete strangers. Maybe they fell on hard times. Maybe they’re environmentally conscious and will only use a vehicle if they are carpooling. Maybe they spend all their money on hookers dressed as rodeo clowns. I don’t know. That’s their business. I’m talking about the hitchhikers who just stand on the side of the road with their thumb in the breeze. That’s it. Just standing there. No forward motion at all. Why should I stop my car and risk my life by picking up a potential serial killer if you can’t be bothered to put one foot in front of the other and at least attempt to get where you’re going? You aren’t even trying! Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t going to pick you up anyway. That’s just dangerous. However, if you aren’t willing to put forth some effort in a good faith gesture of self-reliance, I’m extra not picking you up. I’ll drive right on by, judging you for your lack of effort in the traveling department.

Thanks for coming with me on my journey of petty irritants. Please feel free to share your favorite and weirdest pet peeves.